Hold me, love or let me GO.

[Gusto Aihan]

Dear All

                   Having a baby is one of the greatest things in human life. In Have a baby mean that you have to be ready to share your time, your expenses’, your passion and etc, to take care the baby. A
baby is a miracle from the mighty God when you have it in the right time, in
the right place, in the right people and in the right circumstances.

                   Having a baby would not be one of the greatest things in life when you have it in the wrong time, in the wrong place, in the wrong people and in the wrong circumstances. The thoughts
above flew from my brain after I have been observing one of PLWHA in my home
island. She lives her life as a single parent for 12 months old baby. My
concern is not to the PLWHA but to her baby.

                   The first time I met the baby and its mother on March 2010. Its mother attended the third PLWHA gathering of Province Nusa Tenggara Barat. I was one of the facilitator and I had extra duty
to observe some of PLWHA out of the class sessions. At the dinner time I went
to five bungalows and told the attendants to have their dinner. When I walked
in to the bungalows where the baby and its mother stayed, I heard the baby was
crying. When I walked in to their room to know what had happened, I saw its
mother was slapping the baby lap. Then I came to them and asked its mother to
let me try to calm down the baby. In minute the baby had calm down and I sang a
lullaby for the baby because I saw its eyes very sleepy and the baby still in
my hold. I told its mother to go to the restaurant to have the dinner.

                   Around 45 minute the baby still in my hold and the baby had fall a sleep. Then I went to the restaurant to see its mother and gave back the baby. I also did not forget remind its
mother to be more patient and what ever the difficulties might come never let
the baby as its mother anger displacement and never slap the baby again.

                   Three weeks after the gathering its mother joined in my peer support group. So I could have their address. They live in religious village (Islamic back ground) with its mother
parents and another family members in one roof. The first time I visited their
home I asked the direction from the villagers to find their home. When I asked
for the direction in that village one of the villager said” Yang punya anak
jadah” (the mother of son of bicth). I keep on smiling event my heart so
shocked. It was so easy for me to find them because the baby has European
features (its father native Netherland).

                   Since that time I have been arranged my schedule to visit them once or twice in a month (do not worry it wont be any sympathy or some thing will go wrong because its mother knows that
I am gay). After five months have been observing them, also additional
information from its mother friends and its mother neighbor (a member another
PLWHA peer support group also a single parent from 2 daughters). I made
conclusion for that baby, and the best solution among the bad options which I
can see is to let the baby adopted by Indonesian and western marriage couple or
westerner marriage couple.

                   The reasons why I suggest that are:

·         Its mother is not ready to have the baby.

·         Its mother uses the baby as a thing to have back her European partner (the fact that man just
left them behind and moved to Bali).

·         Stigma as a baby born without marriage, it is so hard to face up.

·          Stigma as a women which having baby without marriage is notorious in biggest part of Indonesia especially when you are
living in religious village.

·         Its mother financial depends on her parent (low income people in Indonesia classification).

·         Its mother emotion is unstable (because she is having HIV and no one of her family or
relative knows that so please imagine if you were the baby).

·         Indonesia some what so racist (hi, Every body I am Indonesian and I love my Indonesia)

Another solution that I have tried to talk about to its mother is changing the mother aims about having the baby. Always do her best to love the baby.

                   I have not to talk about the idea to let the baby been adopted others to its mother. I need your advised about the matters above because I am single man and never have baby and I also
know that is a sensitive subject. I ever discussed the subject above to 2
psychologists, the first psychologist cut the discussion when she find out the
baby born without marriage by the reasoned she had a work to do. The second one
reminded me do not go to sympathize.

                   Dear all, if you agree to my idea please tell me, how to influence or to tell its mother to let the baby being adopt by others. The baby born trough PMTCT programmed. And its mother
has been having ART since five months ago. If you do not agree to my idea
please give the reason.

                  

                   Dear all thank to read my text above and awaiting your reply and response.

[Joao Arnaldo Vembane]

Dear Gusto,

Once agian I am afraid to tell people what should they do? When and how?

Thanks for such interesting history.

[Laurence Gilliot]

Dear Gusto,

Adoption is not a small thing. And for a mother, it is one of the most difficult things to do... to give away her child. And I believe a child is always better in his/her own family, except if he/she is in danger in that family.

But of course, who am I to say what to do? Who are we to decide? All we can do is to offer her support and care and ask the right questions at the right time...What would help her to be more patient and calm with her baby?

Laurence