side effect of ART (anti retroviral theraphy) : depression!

I'm taufiq..recovering addict and I'm infected!

from last 2 years ago I start take ARV medicine for reduce the virus is my body..
in my first week they all just give me not a big deal side effect for my body n soul..

in this past 2 years, I run my medicine for every day in my own fix time actually..
My CD-4 on my blood has already become growing up since I start eat the medicine...
I start become more stronger and everything going alright!

But on 4 months ago, I start depressed!!
Actually there are problems coming into my life and my life become worse..
But honestly I'm the struggle when I face the as same as big problems before...

exactly on december 2008 I start dying!
my life become worse and getting worse everyday...
I start become so self pity about my self..
there were no motivations in my life for going on my life...
I felt very useless for anybody else..
several times I think about suicide!!!
there were no reasons for me for staying alive with the virus on my blood..

FYI, I'm working at rehabilitation center as drug abuse counselor and also being a HIV-AIDS counselor...
I do motivation anyone who come to me for staying alive before..
at that "bad time" I felt that I cannot give motivation anymore like I did, because I had depressed!

and than..I've meet the psychologist and psychiatrist at my hospital for get help...
The first diagnosis is I am acute depression and there were no dopamine on my brain that made me felt very BAD!
The professional told me that maybe its all because my ARV medicine...
FYI, ZIDOVUDINE can give depression side effect for someone that consumption this medicine...
actually not for everybody just several body...

I start consumption psychiatrist medicine for this 4 months...
and all my life begin "back" for staying alive!
I start refresh my life and soul with all my tools!

And now, here I am...sharing my experience just for you all information about the side effect of ARV..
you can find information on internet about this side effect or ask the professional..
so we can keep go on for walking together fighting this virus...
Now I can laugh very loudly and going back to work for keeping give motivation to anyone else..

thanks for your attention...

Warm regards,

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Comment by MariJo on April 8, 2009 at 6:04pm
Taufiq el-aziz,
It is so good to read about how you did change from feeling pity from yourself to giving others hope to continue living a better life.
I have been taking ARV for 14 years now, so I know how much we need all those medicines and how much we need researchers to continue investigating to provide us with better drugs to keep us alive. But I am also sure that the most important part of my staying alive and leading a fulfilling live is that I decided to look for the inner strengths that can make us struggle to be the best we can be.
As Gaston has very well highlighted, through your story we can see how many strengths you have movilised within yourself and how much those strengths have changed your life and the lives of others.
Thank you for sharing this with us
Comment by Jean Legastelois on April 6, 2009 at 1:21pm
Thank you very much, Taufiq - and Gaston - for sharing this with us. It is a good gift to begin the week with.
Comment by Taufiq M.A. on April 2, 2009 at 6:30pm
wahahaha..nice comment laurence and Gatson!

u really make me more stronger!
and specially for u Gatson : U make me laughing a lot!!

keep share our power for stop this epidemic!
Comment by Gaston on March 31, 2009 at 8:09am
Dear Taufiq, thank you for sharing your personal journey. It seems medicine can sometimes increase our own personal understanding, as it gives side-effects and impact on our body that we cannot control. The first thing I thought when reading your entire profile was: What a sincere guy, what a luck he has access to ARV (I just came back from Papua New Guinea where many people don't have that 'luxury') and what a cool picture!

When you share in your profile: About me? You say 1. I am an addict, 2. I am infected. I think you can easily add the following: 1. I am a strong human being 2. I am alive and smart. 2. I can write English 3. I am honest to myself 4. I get a better connection with my body 5. I share with others my story, who learn from my experience 6. I can make nice pictures.

Keep on discovering your personal strengths, Taufiq,

Comment by Laurence Gilliot on March 30, 2009 at 10:31am
Dear Taufiq,

Thanks a lot for your personal sincere sharing. You've gone through a lot lately and came out of it stronger it seems. I really believe that we grow through the difficult things and obstacles. We learn and we understand ourself better. I'm sure that you come out of it as a better counselor, not?

I think that medication is important to treat depression (and obviously HIV). Depression can be caused by an imbalance in the body and medication can restore balance again. I know this because there is some history of depression in my family.

BUT... it is not all... there is a lot of psychology, mental strengths, social strength needed to respond to the issue, to learn from it and to live our full potential. We are a combination of body and mind and we are a whole. Body influences the mind and mind influences the body... so we cannot treat one without the other.

I'm sure you had many friends and family who supported you on this journey of recovery. Also you have your own mental strengths that can think positively, constructively, that can see the good things in life and in your self.

The AIDS Competence Process is all about "taking our life issues in our own hands" as individual, members of families and communities. How can we (facilitators) help people and communities affected by depression to respond to this issue, stimulate them, support them in a human way? All ideas are welcome.

Have a good day,



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